In the midst of this whole Penn State thing, I, out of all people, have not said anything yet, but I finally feel I need to say how I feel once and for all. It’s pretty annoying and upsetting just how many people are so saddened and upset and mad because Joe Paterno got fired. If you’re little brother or sister was getting sexually abused, and someone you truely look up to noticed it taking place, and hardly made any sort of effort to do anything about it, would you be rallying around his house and rioting when he got in trouble with the law? What I don’t get even more, is the people who tell me I don’t understand how upsetting it is since I don’t go to that school or because I’m not a Penn State fan. That doesn’t change the fact of what happened! What really blows my mind is how people are just so frustrated and upset over him being fired, yet over the past year or two, there has been a 2% rise in the amount of homeless people that are veterans. That number has rose from 17,000 to 20,000 just in the last year or two. They alone make up for 12% of the homeless population! We’re talking about people who made the ultimate sacrafice to put their lives on the line to give us freedom and to enjoy things such as watching football with our friends on a Saturday or Sunday. Yet no one seems to care about them, or the fact that 1 in 4 children in the U.S are living in poverty and poor conditions. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe my priorities are the ones that are screwed up. I guess I should be more concerned about sports and I should be fighting to help save someones job who did almost nothing to help little kids who were being sexually abused. Time to rethink my priorities.

Welcome back, for now, facebook, via tumblr. Currently I’m in Hudson FL. Today is day 15 of being sober. I feel awesome. I’ve also started eating vegetables ha, and eating somewhat healthier. I wake up by 10 each morning, read my bible and pray. I’m getting my relationship with God back on track, which has been amazing! I’ll be going to St. Pete warped on the 31st and flying home the 1st. My life has changed for the best, and I can’t be happier. Being sober, and loving God whole-heartedly again has allowed my life to start being better than I could’ve thought. Hope everyone is doing well!!

Well, I haven’t been up this early just to get my day started in a very long time. I laid down last night around 11:45 and even with my meds, I still couldn’t fall alseep until after 1:15. I actually slept with a lamp on because I knew when I’d wake up during the night I’d see things if it was completely dark, although I still one time that i woke up thought I saw something staring at me through the window. I didn’t sleep well, I was waking up every 20-60 minutes, and when I would fall back asleep each time, I’d have really weird, scary dreams. But I’m awake now, and ready to get day number two started.

I woke up this morning around 9:30 and haven’t been able to fall back asleep. Today is the big day. I start my rehab, delete my facebook, and pretty much quit talking to everyone for the next month. I’ll probably still keep this tumblr so I can post some of my progress. I should also still have my twitter… twitter.com/imawesomeaustin. I’m already like kind of tweaking out, shaking a little bit and what not. Hopefully the next couple days fly by. I’ll talk to all of you soon. I love you all and thanks everyone for the support!

I went to happy hour at 4 today and had a deep convo with my mom. It’s really crazy that start like 36 hours from now, I’m going to be done living this life. I’m so excited, but so scared.I know jnothing else but this life I’m living. My body is starting to go crazy. It’s rejecting food. I’ve ate one cheesesteak tonight, and that’s the only thing I’ve eaten in two days, and everytime I eat, my body wants to reject the food. I feel so sick right now, like I need to throw up. It’s crazy how there’s actually a medical  term for what my bodies going through right now with not eating because of my drinking. I know no other life than what Im doing now, and Im scared to change. I can’t see me being anyone else. I know I can do it, but I’m just really nervous. I got my meds today to help me when I stop drinking. I never thought I’d come to the day when I needed pills to help stop me drinking. I’ve recently started to twitch and shake, during the day, when I’m sober. My body is so used to being constantly screwed up that when it’s not, it makes me want to freak out. Starting Thursday, I’ll be deativating my facebook, and staying away from my phone. I’m trying to legit be focused on changing my life. But until then. can’t wait for happy hour tomorrow and one last day of drinking.

I just woke up a half hour ago. I went to bed at 6:30 this morning and had a somewhat chance to enjoy the sunny outside world. Like I said previously, this tumblr is to allow you guys to know how I’m feeling, and it’s very personal. Instead of stopping on Saturday, I’ll now be moving out on Wednesday to give my room mates some extra time to figure out where they can go and get their stuff out of here and what not. I honestly can not wait until that day to start cleaning myself up. I’m never happy anymore. I legit don’t like me life. I don’t like waking up anymore. I’m killing myself slowly, and I can feel it. My life is just getting out of control and I can’t stand it. When I’m sober, all I can think about now is how I hate me life, I wish I wasn’t alive, and I can’t wait until I’m drunk again. When I’m drunk, all I can think about is how good it feels, and how I don’t wanna wake up because I’ll be sober and feel the exact same way again. AGHHHHH I just can’t wait until I’m changed. My life seriously sucks right now.

Saturday is the big day. I’m moving into my friends house who’s dad is a surgeon. Starting Saturday, I’m going to be put on meds to help with the withdrawals, and they are also putting me on a strict daily routine to help get my body back to normal, and help me get back to where I should be. I’m scared, but excited to see my life change around for the best. I don’t know what to expect, but I’m glad it’s happening. Never thought by 21 I’d need to do rehab lol.

So the past couple days have just been the same. Waking up late between 2 and 4, and starting almost right away. Yesterday I went to happy hour at 4, took a nap by 8, woke up at 9 or 9:30, and drank until about 4 am, or whenever I’d pass out. Today I got out of bed at 4 and smoked like a half hour later. But the good new is, Pizza is on it’s way!!

I’m at work and all I can think about is quitting, even though it’s not for 11 more days. I’m not going to lie, I’m really scared, like very scared. I know how the withdrawal is going to be, but this time it’s going to be a lot worse. I just want to cry lol. How’d I let myself get to this point. Maybe rehab is the best option…

I just realized over the past 4 days, all I’ve eaten has been 4 slices of pizza, 3 meatballs, and a couple buffalo wing bites. When I started drinking heavily, I went from 160 lbs to 212. I’m down now to about 198 because I’m not eating much anymore. In my mind, I don’t have extra money to eat, because I need money to buy a case of beer, and even after I buy a case of beer, I end up at the bar. I’m spending close to $500 a month on alcohol, and that’s why I’m never able to do anything else. I don’t get hangovers anymore, I don’t blackout or forget anything anymore. 11 days Until I’m hopefully done, and I’m definitely not looking forward to withdrawaling.